Aug 29, 2007
some nights the moon is bent double
laughing
at the trysts that go on
behind the sun's back;
until it aches and grasps
its stomach, vomiting
at the thought
she could have prevented some
had she shone her brightest
just for that night.
My horoscope for August 2007 provides:
"This month you come to the end of a 1,000-mile journey. Ever since Saturn entered Leo in July 2005, you have had a long and gradual process of reinventing yourself. You may feel as though you've just completed an important rite of passage, and chances are that you did. "This is so true. 2005 was really a bad year for me. I had gotten sick, my apartment broken into, broken up a long-term relationship (6 yrs counting the close friendship before officially becoming a couple) and I find myself looking back at how far I've gone, especially when I remember those times when I thought the pain was too much to bear. But now I must look forward. Just the other night I was overwhelmed with fear and panic, just out of nowhere. Well, really it's because of the bar, but I closed my eyes and remembered that I was where I wanted to be. That it's worth it. That I must make another step and keep going, I mustn't stop now.
"Whenever we enter a realm where everything seems new and a bit overwhelming, it takes time to ease into the new role. We feel that way when we do something that's life changing for the first time...Now, as you gaze back over the past two years, your old life likely seems almost laughably easy. You grew into your new responsibilities, and although life may have seemed exhausting because you had so much to learn, now it probably seems as it should - normal."I'm grateful to be this lucky. To be where I am now- near the finish line I set for myself 7 years ago. It's been a hard journey, and hopefully it will end soon. So I can look with eyes reborn. Alive. I used to be dead, in a sense, perhaps my old poems will show some glimmer of that truth, but if you notice, over the months, I have started injecting hope in my work. And maybe a bit of anger. Fire. I believe it's time for me to claim my birthright, the sun. Let me break free from the shadows of my past and warm my hands by the fire. My hands have been cold for so long, tired from holding the moon up, as a make-shift sun as I weave my way through the dark path, sidestepping tentacles that are prone to curl around my ankles.
"You assumed your life would continue as it has so far, but Saturn is moving on to another sign, so actually, life is about to get a bit easier for you by next month. By September 2, Saturn will be bidding adieu to Leo and moving on to Virgo."
I got goosebumps when I read that part. If Saturn really was a shadow over my life, it leaving on September 2 is the best sign I could ever ask for. September 2 will be the first day of my bar exams. The last hurdle I must jump before the finish line. The race against time is on. Yes, that is why it means so much to me. Because it is only after it is over that I can truly begin again.
So wish me luck, readers and let me thank you for walking with me all this time.
your soul phantasm,
rax
Labels: letters, lunar eclipse, rax, thoughts
Jul 1, 2007
Ah well, this soul's been tagged by Billy the Blogging Poet for the "eight random facts about me" meme, and I am perfectly happy to have an excuse to blog and write an entry despite my self-imposed restrictions on myself not to. Hiatus indeed! But at least this isn't as time consuming as crafting poetry. hehe so here goes:First: The Rules
- Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
- People tagged post on their blog about their eight things and post these rules.
- At the end of your blog, you choose eight people to tag and list their names.
- Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
- Prepare to be hated by some and loved by others. (Billy added #5.)
1. I was born in Cotabato City, Philippines (somewhere down South), moved to Lilongwe, Malawi, (Africa) when I was 6, came back to the Philippines to a different city (Malaybalay) when I was 8, moved back to Africa when I was 9 (Blantyre, Malawi) stayed there until I was 12, then I moved back to the Philippines to another city (Cagayan de Oro) where I finished high school. Then went to college in another city. (Metro Manila)
2. In between those years, Places I've visited:
- Asia: Hong Kong, UAE
- Africa: Mozambique, Zambia, Tanzania, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Egypt, Kenya, Botswana
- Europe: Italy, England, Nerthelands
- N. America: Canada, USA
- S. America: Brazil
3. I started college at age 15 (BA Philosophy) and entered law school at age 19, graduated at age 23 and hopefully will be a lawyer by age 24 (assuming I pass the bar exams)
4. People tell me I look like a snob because of my blank expression and arched eyebrows. My friends will tell you I am anything but and would fondly describe me using the following words: funny, crazy, doormat, too nice, shy, glut, hedonist, lazy, worrywart and procrastinator. I am mindful some are quite contradictory. hehehe.
5. If I was a stereotype I would be the "one of the guys" kind of girl. Most of my friends are guys. I grew up with 2 brothers and no sisters, lots of guy cousins, most of my hobbies are deemed "guy" stuff: videogames, table top RPG, computer games, basketball. But my closest friends and the only ones who really know me are still girls. Rest assured I still retain my feminine ways (whatever those are)
6. I used to be able to out drink any guy my age when it came to alcohol. Beer, gin, rum, whiskey, tequila and all sorts of liquor. Now I get sleepy faster. Must be getting old.
7. I started smoking when I was 14. By age 22 I was chain-smoking almost 2 packs a day because of law school. I quit last year when I turned 23. Just went cold turkey. I'll be a year clean come August.
8. in relation to fact #7: I really want a cigarette, because of stress from studying. GRRRRRRR...
9. I break my own rules most of the time and can be quite fickle. hence no credibility sometimes,:P
and now for my victims:
Deb
Uberjam
Shakir
Ozy
Brian
Erika
Guile
Gino
Jan 18, 2007
"The battle is over, but the war hasn't been won"
Such a depressing line when it comes to writing pleadings. After a grueling month of 36-48 hour days (yes, my day does not consist of a mere 24 hrs) I can finally see my work. (started from scratch by the way) Who says I cannot be creative in a pleading?
Anyway, the rules don't allow me to talk about it, but its safe to say that at first, I felt good taking this picture. (don't bother looking, i covered the names up, except yours truly of course).
I found myself liking the work... I am beginning to discover the workaholic in me. However,Anyway, the rules don't allow me to talk about it, but its safe to say that at first, I felt good taking this picture. (don't bother looking, i covered the names up, except yours truly of course).
every paragraph there represented an opportunity cost, in my so-called life. And this I only realized, when people, finally running out of patience from my late night typing and paper shuffling, started slamming the door shut behind them, and I... kept
moving
on
to
the
next
paragraph.
on
to
the
next
paragraph.
i find myself asking the proverbial question, is this really what i want? i had said yes before, but then again i have not yet felt the aftermath then. Now, as the silence creeps in, there's nothing but an empty road in front of me.
Jan 8, 2007
I wonder if there are stars out there tonight despite the gloomy sky that stretches before me. I hear a distant wail of a child seeking warmth from the night air. It is a sad night. I keep asking myself what I did to deserve you, to have your words as a blanket against the cold. I wonder how I earned that bright smile of yours, eyes sparkling more than any star ever did. I have no answers yet, but I must thank you my love. Thank you for coming into my life. Finally, there's one who can take away this chill in my bones that has kept me restless for so long.
Labels: rax
Keys work both ways defining what is inside and what is outside. How easily you slipped past the locks I've built. Not needing any keys at all but merely a whispered word that brought you
from outside my consciousness to inside the whole secret of my being.
Labels: rax
Jan 7, 2007
The clock is ticking and with every day that passes, my anxiety builds. I am at a crossroads looking down the different paths unsure of what they may hold for me. Choices are never easy because ultimately, there will always be consequences. Always. I can choose to stay still and be comfortable in this bubble but I cannot ignore the consequences of staying still... So I must choose and time is running out.
"If god doesn't exist then this life....every second of it...is all we have"
-Anne Rice
Law school has changed my perspective a lot. Four years and just little over a month to go before graduation... . I still have some doubts. Maybe I'm still searching for a some sort of meaning despite the ruined expectations of a noble profession. It is a noble profession... in an imperfect system... practiced by imperfect men (and women). This (formerly) innocent child has learned that the world isn't as pretty as she would like to think. Law and Justice were supposed to be synonymous... but I have been told that that was a misconception. Justice is found within the bounds of the law, and only within it, so if the law itself is imperfect, then justice too will be imperfect. Truth, in law is not the same as the TRUTH. Truth is what can be proven in court -- judicial truth... My head is spinning. I am reminded of the fantasy books I read, and find comfort in some, maybe more comfort than I could find in my law books:
"The evil are guilty, and create Law. The good are innocent, and create Justice."
-Terry Pratchett
Our professors encourage us to change the system. To fight it even. I'm just feeling a little small. My uncle had decided to lecture me on the "profession." "We lawyers end up as crooks," he says. "At least the famous ones do..." Sigh. I refuse to believe it. Belief is a strong thing. It can change one's life so one must always be careful in choosing what they wish to believe in. (Faith comes under this category- but that's another entry...)
"Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true. People's heads are full of knowledge, facts, and beliefs, and most of it is false, yet they think it all true. People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool"
-Terry Goodkind-Wizards First Rule
True, the public does not hold lawyers in high esteem. There must be a basis somewhere. But as an afterthought, we aren't all alike. There must be some honor left in this world. There I go dreaming again... But I will TRY. I am not afraid. I am not afraid. After all, this is what I want.... isn't it?
"Fear rules those weak enough to accept it."
-Greven il-Vec, Magic: The Gathering
Create Your Own Countdown
Dec 18, 2006
It was 5am. I had just finished checking in my suitcases. Afraid of the long queue, I had arrived earlier than necessary. And now I have two hours til boarding time. Funny how many things I could've done in that short time before I fly home for Christmas. For instance, what I'd give to take a nap beside you instead of this carry on luggage that I have to sit on all the time. Or maybe we could've spent these 2 hours talking and cuddling, saying we'll miss each other and that we promise to call every once in a while.
Instead, I found myself a little corner in the coffee shop across Gate 1. I come here every year since it's the only smoking area in the building. But this time the steel table is colder than I remember, even the expensive coffee is no comfort in this chilly weather. I long to be next to you, arm draped across your chest. It is this time in the morning that I wake up shivering, but you were always there to cover me with the blanket. I cupped the coffee in my shaking hands, wishing I could bury them under a pillow while I snuggled in the crook of your shoulder.
I cannot really say how much I love you. I can only tell you how this flight feels like I'm leaving the only home I have ever known. I want to be where you are. You must be still sleeping in that half-empty bed. I want to wake you up on Christmas morning and cover you with tickles and kisses. I want to watch the fireworks on New Years Eve with you, under stars and smoke that take our picture constantly.
It's almost time for me to go. I wish you were here, too, so I can wrap my arms around you and not let go. I silently hum the Leaving on a Jetplane song... I picked up my bags and walked through Gate 7. Before entering the plane, I looked back and sent flying kisses to the wind so that it may touch your cheek and wake you so you can see me off.
Labels: rax
Nov 29, 2006
My clock says it's five a.m. The illumine hands are running around the plastic circle inside a square.
(Tic. toc. Tic toc.)
My eyes slowly adjust to the sunlight that is not yet quite there, but is streaking in straight blue rays that hit your sleeping face. (Tic)
You lie softly still. (Toc)
I leave trails of slow tiny kisses to and from your forehead eyes, nose, (tic) cheeks, lips, and chin (toc)
I stroke your neck and hair to break your dream (tic) so you can open your eyes to see me smile for real... (toc)
You turn to put arms around my shoulders (tic) and then I put mine around your waist. (toc)
We fall asleep again, entwined in circles within circles (tic)
inside a square that boxed us in, but allowed us to breathe.
(toc)
Labels: rax
Nov 15, 2006
I found this while cleaning up and organizing the files in my computer. My dad retired last year and I was asked to speak at his retirement party. I sent this letter since I couldn't come home because of school. My younger brother read it. Anyway, I'd just like to share. I'm in a sentimental mode, so sue me.
------------------------------------------
Dear Daddy,------------------------------------------
July 1, 2006
Did I ever thank you for the “bahay bahay” that you built, or for teaching me to play chess? For comforting me when I was in tears? A million times, thank you. A dad is someone who wants to catch you before you fall. I have fallen time and time again, but you were always there to pick me up and brush me off and more importantly, try again.
When I was a child, I looked up to you. Back then it was on account of the height difference. Now, I have grown feet and inches and I still look up to you for many things: your silent patience and understanding, your ability to pause first before acting, your hard work, persistence and endurance in everything that you do.
When I was a child, I stood on your feet as you taught me to dance, step by little step. Now, my feet have grown too heavy to stand on yours. Nevertheless, I still stand on your footprints, letting you lead the way and following step by little step.
You have walked this life as your own person, with independence, honesty and integrity. Though it is of little words, you have carved a big path for us, your children, through the examples you’ve set. And still you let us make our own way. We will make our own way but that shining path you’ve set and walked on will always be there to guide us, your steady footsteps always echoing in our ears.
Retirement is a time for rest. But don’t misunderstand, “rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.”
Some say that life begins at retirement. It is time for your life to bloom again, this time for you to enjoy the things and the people you love. Just as the flowers and plants you love to nurture will grow with your touch, so too will your spirit and the people you touch. I am one of them and so are my brothers. Your life and love touched us deeply though we may not openly show it. You are an inspiration to your children and always will be. So don’t worry about us. We are grown. This time now is for yourself.
So as you retire, keep a firm grip on your perspective toward life. Life is not measured so much by the quantity of days, but by their quality. Let each day be a chance to fulfill your own hopes and dreams. Fill each day with beautiful memories and joyful moments. You are retiring. But don’t retire from life; continue to experience all that life has to offer.
As you retire, share your wisdom and your knowledge. We will support your journey. Oh and here, remember to take with you our respect, love and loyalty. Explore this life. Go. See the gift of retirement as a gift of new horizons for you to enjoy. We wish you all the best.
When I was a child, I looked up to you. Back then it was on account of the height difference. Now, I have grown feet and inches and I still look up to you for many things: your silent patience and understanding, your ability to pause first before acting, your hard work, persistence and endurance in everything that you do.
When I was a child, I stood on your feet as you taught me to dance, step by little step. Now, my feet have grown too heavy to stand on yours. Nevertheless, I still stand on your footprints, letting you lead the way and following step by little step.
You have walked this life as your own person, with independence, honesty and integrity. Though it is of little words, you have carved a big path for us, your children, through the examples you’ve set. And still you let us make our own way. We will make our own way but that shining path you’ve set and walked on will always be there to guide us, your steady footsteps always echoing in our ears.
Retirement is a time for rest. But don’t misunderstand, “rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.”
Some say that life begins at retirement. It is time for your life to bloom again, this time for you to enjoy the things and the people you love. Just as the flowers and plants you love to nurture will grow with your touch, so too will your spirit and the people you touch. I am one of them and so are my brothers. Your life and love touched us deeply though we may not openly show it. You are an inspiration to your children and always will be. So don’t worry about us. We are grown. This time now is for yourself.
So as you retire, keep a firm grip on your perspective toward life. Life is not measured so much by the quantity of days, but by their quality. Let each day be a chance to fulfill your own hopes and dreams. Fill each day with beautiful memories and joyful moments. You are retiring. But don’t retire from life; continue to experience all that life has to offer.
As you retire, share your wisdom and your knowledge. We will support your journey. Oh and here, remember to take with you our respect, love and loyalty. Explore this life. Go. See the gift of retirement as a gift of new horizons for you to enjoy. We wish you all the best.
Happy retirement dad, We love you.
Labels: rax
Oct 21, 2006
In general:
Female, 24, procrastinator, anime addict, game fanatic, daydreamer, food lover and pillow-hugger who procrastinates by writing or reading poetry online instead of living in the real world.Education:
- BA Philosophy (2003)
- Bachelor of Laws (2007)
- Just kidding! ^_^
Labels: rax
Oct 20, 2006
Sa souvraya niende misain ye
(old tongue for "I am lost in my own mind.")
--from Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan
I've reposted my old entries from my old blog... feel free to comment still.
--from Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan
I've reposted my old entries from my old blog... feel free to comment still.
